Acute, chronic, comorbid, onset and maintenance I’ve suffered at one point or another from all of these types. I googled the word for this post and the overriding factor is stress. Last year it got so bad I started buying on EBay at 12am 1 am. The sellers started sending me emails at 11 that it’s almost time to start buying!! Bad I know. Now I’m going through my guest bedroom to purge these “insomnia buys.”
I’ve tried to find a great analogy akin to how I dread sleep especially now because I’ve transferred my body with the pups to my lower level where it’s 15 degrees cooler than upstairs in my bedroom. Cooler temperatures are supposed to be good for the brain. But my mind is constantly in motion constantly thinking about stuff. My coworker now has had a rash of deaths in her family and I think that has triggered my mind to fixate on my family a call that will happen down the road in the near distant future.
I’ve tried exercising before bed,reading, writing a blog post, watching reality tv 😉all in an attempt to forge my mind to slow down and rest. We all need to rest. I generally get by with 6-7 hours of sleep. I’m an early riser too even on the weekends. This heavy feeling resembles jetlag. I’m running in place not moving really. Lack of sleep leads to sloppiness and snarkiness and silliness which leads to posts that make no sense. 🌛
I was 15 when this song came out in 1982. I hadn’t yet gone all the way with a boy. I was painfully shy tucking my head in a stack of books walking down the school hallways. I hung out with the theatre kids who were always in the school plays. The popular guy in our group I had a massive crush on for four years until we moved to Texas in 1983.
This song came out in 1992 when I was 25. To be honest I hadn’t really dated that much up until then. I identify a lot with the lyrics of this song, and I think the message rings true today just as much as it did 28 years ago.
I distinctly remember when this song came out. I was getting over a guy that I had longed and pined for over 5 years even going to California in 2002 to see him. That trip broke my heart in many ways but I realized chasing something that wasn’t really there only leads to heartache and unhappiness.
We found love in a hopeless place reminds me of Syria. The country began the year before to descend into chaos, calamity and cessation of living. It’s beyond a quagmire there. It’s beyond repair. This song is about hope though and when I first heard it I thought there may be hope for Syria. But now eight years later so much death and destruction and no diamonds in the sky.
I don’t have a song this year that personifies how I feel right now. Any suggestions are most welcome.
Decorating has always been a chore for me. I tend to visualize a scene from a magazine or a tv show or a movie in my head and try to replicate it in my house. I do like modern decor. I am a no thrills no fuss kind of girl. I don’t wear a lot of makeup just some foundation and blush a bit of eyeshadow. I do accessorize more now with earrings and necklaces especially statement ones. I’ve got a dog locket necklace from a dear friend. I’ve got a seahorse necklace from a fandom event that’s become a talisman of sorts and my M necklace from another close friend. A rose necklace from another dear fandom friend also gets heavy rotation. So I use these treasures to decorate my outfits especially for work.
The inspiration for this post today came from two sources: one my rose necklace friend who rearranged her family room and was describing what she was doing the other day. The second inspiration came from watching Marie Kondo a few weeks ago explaining sparking joy in ones self and one’s abode. Admittedly the stories she shared about decluttering ones house were really about finding joy and happiness within.
I thought long and hard what was causing my mental fatigue. Covid 19 has ripped the band aid off of the economic and social disparities globally. The middle class has been ebbing away for a long time and really has vanished during this pandemic . When I say bubble wrapped (which I grew up with) as a preface I mean I’ve never gone hungry. I’ve always had a roof over my head. I’ve always had a family to fall back on if I needed financial and emotional support.. My attitude toward everything these days isn’t always rainbows and red roses.
I have pictures on my walls from where I’ve travelled. I stare at them a lot lately knowing how fortunate I’ve been to get on a plane or train and explore. Sometimes lately it feels like I’m running in place. Then I see my newfound crush retweeting a reminder and I smile.
Some days I feel an immense sadness inside for no apparent reason and when I do I always try and reach out to see how others are doing, that feeling of connection whether there is a response or not always lifts my spirits
I got a stern lecture last Saturday maybe it was much needed maybe it was a bit harsh maybe it woke me up but it definitely rattled me. How can it be easy for me to chuck some thoughts easily out the window while others which I should discard linger infinitely within my brain. I’m going through the process of decluttering my bedroom and guest room. It’s slow going. I have stumbled on a book I plan to read .., soon as well as items I plan on recycling away. I kept thinking I’m accumulating stuff for what? Why can’t I give stuff easily away? I hold on to things and emotions way too long. I know it’s not healthy. But yet I cannot help it.
I sent an article to my dear friend about one of her favorite singers who is selling some of her prized possessions. She cannot sing anymore due to Parkinson’s and I wonder how emotionally gut wrenching it is for her to part with these momentos. She has memories of herself at the piano performing to a packed audience. Her awards are accolades that were icing on an iconic career. Are they just taking up space? Are they too painful now to have around? Was it easy for her to decide to give them away?
I’m not a singer or a performer so I really have no clue when one loses their voice how emotionally and physically devastating that can feel. If I couldn’t write anymore I’d feel pretty blue. I cannot create with my hands so part of my giving away is to spread joy to be kind to those dear friends who are there for me. It really is that simple.
Richie Richie Richie !! I just don’t understand you sometimes. You keep under the radar in NYC why in America I’m still scratching my head. You surface with a cute ode to Love Love Love. You then switch gears and go all fake celebrity with blm black screen and now you tweet snarky condescending assinine very Claude Becker John Mulligan tweets:
The plot of ‘Bond’ 26, involves an evil genius who installs puppet autocrats across the globe, plots with their leaders to allow a deadly virus to infect populations, then steals the prototype vaccine to patent & sell back to a desperate dying world making trillions of $ profit.
First of all how would you know what kind of a world WE live in? You cloak yourself in a bubble and run from the very upbringing which made you relatable in my eyes at least in the first place. Second you’re supposed to be a cyber bully ambassador. It reminds me of those unpleasant people who constantly mock others then in the next breath say kindness to all and blm too when they are a root cause of the hypocrisy out there.
Third you pin tweet to be respectful and kind to all and then you tweet this sardonically arrogant piece of crap. What do you hope to accomplish? Test your followers to see how much they really like you?
Fourth there’s a thing called manners out there common decency which you seem to have either abandoned or never really owned. We are in a global pandemic. People are dying. It’s about helping others. It’s not about mocking people and leaders. There are enough assholes on Twitter and on your fandom blogs to fill those shoes. How about some humility. I don’t get you guy I just don’t.
One of the most beloved shows when I was growing up was The Muppet Show (1976-1981). I just adored these lovable characters from Miss Piggy to Gonzo to Animal to the Swedish Chef to Waldorf and Statler to Fozzie. The fearless and always upbeat leader was Kermit or Kermie. Kermie fended off Miss Piggy’s love induced advances, played mediator and always cheered Fozzie up. Kermie looked at the bright side of life which can get annoying at times because well not everything and everyone are nice but Kermie taught me humility and kindness towards others.
So I thought I’d run through some characters that remind me of my fading crush. Humor me here 😉
Miss Piggy aka Claude Becker
Fozzie aka John Standring
Gonzo aka Ricky Deeming
Scooter aka Harry Kennedy
Waldorf and Statler aka Thorin
Kermit aka Lucas North
The Muppet Show made me laugh, smile, appreciate, reciprocate, melancholy, and inspired. I miss them dearly …,
Robert Frost’s poem to me is a dichotomy simple in its eloquence and expressions but devastatingly complex in its lingering effects and intent. Which road do we take? Do we take the less travelled one or do we take the road most populated? Do we choose ourselves or is it really fate where we end up? Can we end up converging these two roads or are they forever diverging?
The road I’ve chosen this year has really forced me to realize things I take for granted and things that are sorely missing from my life. So much anger and bitterness inside me I’ve tried to throw away now not to let things and people get under my skin especially at work now. I’ve found solace in doing nothing many times but that leads to anxiety and sadness that my life is ebbing in a wave of uncertainty and ubiquitous melancholy. That alone wouldn’t be so bad but ….
This morning one of my favorite people in the world sent me a posting from another favorite person who I really admire. Here’s the message
Lest this helps anyone: I’ve put on 40 pounds. I want to lose it as I feel less me. And it’s vital to be audaciously free to be ourselves. But whilst I reside in a bigger body I will not feel shame.There are many complex reasons for weight gain and losing it can be hard for many.
Miranda is an idol of mine in many many ways. She is funny, self-deprecating and honest. That’s a real rarity these days as many reside in two faced land especially where I work. So her admittance that she’s gained weight during this lockdown/quarantine/self-isolation is both sad and reassuring. Sad because as a person who is body conscious and worries a lot about gaining weight and how that greatly affects my self esteem that in these times how we look affects how we feel about ourselves as women. Reassuring that I’m not alone in the weight gain and that it bothers me internally that I don’t like looking in the mirror and not from a vanity point of view.
See I love that Miranda isn’t vain. She isn’t egoistical. She doesn’t use her intelligence to mock others on Twitter. She’s smart because she doesn’t have to show others up. But the stigma out there that women are beautiful if they weigh 120 pounds is real. I can’t relate to people who mock others or constantly show off their intelligence. In fact I ignore these people now especially where I work.
The other message sent to me this morning by Rachel was this
SIX SIMPLE steps to achieve my foolproof DECLUTTERING LIFE HACK:
1. Open the door of the messiest room in your home. 2. Stand in doorway, motionless. 3. Stare at clutter for up to 30 seconds. 3. Close door. 4. Make yourself a cup of coffee. 5. Read a book.
I love this post so much because during my six weeks of lockdown and even since then every weekend I get anxious that I haven’t sorted my bedroom and my guest room. Im messy by nature except at work. I don’t typically wear white because I’m a sloppy eater. I can’t put stuff together or let’s say I don’t have the patience to DIY. I did try to paint my bathroom cabinets and stencil. I decided against a video of the finished product because well it’s not finished yet. I did bake some although that’s how I gained weight eating my finished product. 😉
I’m good at shopping. I love clothes. I love gifting. I love music and movies. I spent the majority of my six weeks binging Netflix shows. I fell for a 6’1 Brit from north London who has a cat named Pidgeon. I learned it’s ok to be not ok.
Two converging thoughts reverberate through my head as I’m writing this blog post on Saturday night at 10:17 pm EST I loathe fireworks and I’ve lost that lovin feeling for something I thought I was searching for. I enjoy silence the still of the night. I cannot sleep with music on or really any type of noise. I’m a light sleeper to begin with so sounds are really my enemy. But lately there’s been a lot of buzzing in my ears. Your primary crush is dying your primary crush is not that likable by you your primary crush isn’t primary anymore.
To be honest my descent into detachment with HIM began with Oct 21. It got worse with some odd interview answers and the constant hawking of audiobooks that are to me overpriced and over saturated. HE is very good at narration. He’s blessed with an amazing voice for storytelling. If he pumped half as much energy into his recent movie and tv work (with the exception of My Zoe) he would be in the David Tennant, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba and Benedict Cumberbatch stratosphere. Instead he says one thing then does another.
So I’m at a crossroads right now. There’s no physical attachment anymore at all. I have a new albeit more reliable source to fill my waking and sleeping dreams with ecstasy. I stumbled on him rather surprisingly and no fandom is required for me to revel in his presence. I have a few great dear friends to extol his virtues and sexiness too. Part of me wants to know what is going through HIS mind now. Part of me actually sees that he’s kind of a prat. Part of me feels a hole in my heart and part of me is relieved.
As the fireworks wind down and my pups settle down the chatter in my brain dissipates to an infinitesimal roar. It reminds me when I was 12 and we were walking in Bad Waltsee with my Oma and Opa in July and there was a field of daisies. He loveshe loves me not he loves me he loves me ….not.
Stay safe stay well wear a mask social distance !!! ❤️❤️❤️